Then and Now, I Blame Myself

There are moments, which I will have a pause of my life, staring back and comparing: am I who I am today? Who am I if I chose the road not taken? Why I'm not the same person anymore, enjoying the blessings of GOD? Why are things getting harder for me? How I did that made me a better person, and what is it that keeps me turning the around the roundabout?

I asked GOD, only some were answered. It is undeniable that humans are forgetful. We only think of GOD when we are in trouble. Only when I realised about these, I, myself, is an unfaithful follower. I'm glad and thankful, at least some of my prayers were answered, when I'm really in need of HIM. Thank You ADONAI!!! *muah*

I knew and still know that GOD made for who I am today. There is never me without GOD. But sometimes, flashbacks make me wonder. What if I didn't get into MRSM? Will I be a scholar like today? Am I a future doctor?

When I was in lower primary, I'm proud to say that I was one of the top scorers every year. My strongest subject was BM. wow!! can you believe it? And I found not much difficulties dealing with other subjects at the same time. However, as I stepped into primary four, being introduced by essay writing, my grades got worse each time. I never thought that I could be that poor! But there was nothing I can do. I've tried several ways to improve and the outcome stayed the same. I was fortunate enough to be trained with my class teacher, who is strict enough. Everyone was afraid of her. And because of her, I scored 6A's and 1B. Well, I got B for Science, unbelievable huh? It's true, I just don't understand very well because it's in Mandarin!

But 6As was good enough for me to get into CBN. Can say it's one of the cluster schools in KL And I actually got in with the help of the Assistant of Headmistress of the primary CBN, because I was quite an active gymnast and she knows me well! Secondary years were fine with me. Eventhough I didn't score very well, which I expected. Well, at least Science and especially Maths are my main subjects. That's why I think that I could score an A for Science in UPSR as it seems that I have no problem understanding Science in English. Then it was PMR. I never want to get the same grade like UPSR, leaving out one odd grade. Honestly, I was afraid, but I had to challenge myself. And guess what, the day that the results were out, I was waiting in the queue, hoping that my name was called to the stage. But in the end, I only got my results after waiting for my turn. I prayed real hard that the gradings were nice to look at. I was even too afraid to take the slip from my teacher! Then, she shout out that:" You only get one C!"

I was:" Whaaaattttt!!" I took the slip from her and scanned through it:" Haaar?? Not again?" There it goes, I scored 7As and 1C, and this time for Mandarin. hahaha..what the @#$%

Is it just fate or am I the one problematic here? Why can't I just score straight As? So i covered myself up. Whenever people asked how much I got, I would say:" 7As!!" If they asked:" Straight A ar?" only then I will tell them the truth. hehe, it's call strategy you know But it was the very moment I felt that the application to get into MRSM was approved.

So, there I was, right on the 3rd day of CNY in Form 4, which is around February, I registered myself in MRSM Muadzam Shah. Staying out from home has been a challenge for me, especially at the age of 16. Homesick and Foodsick especially! I was afraid that I will be treated differently as we, the non-muslims were the minor minority there. So I trained extra hard, extra careful, extra harworking and extra prayers. I could say that my hardworks pay off when I could score more than 90 for History. really unbelievable!! never see an A before for History So I continue what I did to make sure that I do well in other subjects as well. I was actually shocked to know that I scored the highest in the 1st semester. And of course, I carried on. Many friends asked me what's my secret. All I knew that I could understand what was being taught. Everything seems simple and logic for me. I did not study 24/7 like my other friends as I dislike being named as a nerd. I remembered I'd joined lots of activities, just to keep me busy so that I won't be homesick. I used to ask for GOD's guidance to help me stay strong and focus the reason I was there. I used to ask HIM to help me understand easily in every class and each time I study. Days passed and my dream was fulfilled. At last I got straight As, or better still straight 1As in one of the major examinations, SPM. but there's a slight sign from a dream-destroyer, I got an 2A for English 1119. hee!

YAY!!! My life gets better when I was blessed by God, being a JPA scholar to pursue medicine. As I hope that my studies will be just like the old days, it was rather a slight disappointment and frustration. I find it hard to cope myself with the pace and the syllabus. I've ubderstand everything but why can't I score. Every test, every subjects, every exams, I've asked myself, where did I do wrongly? How can I regain myself back? When can I see miracles happen again on the score sheets? I've asked GOD as well since HE understands me the most. But soon, I figured out myself. or did GOD actually showed me without letting me knowing?

It was only then that I realised that I'm walking away from GOD. I've trained lesser, less cautious, less hardworking and less PRAYERS. I didn's ask for GOD's love and guidance to help me understand each time in the class or when I study. I thanked HIM lesser each day. I became forgetful. It serves me right....

i'm back!!!

After a very very very loooooooooonng break, i've decided to reconnect with my blog. Since i've created it, then i should continue what i've started, if not, what's the point of being a buckteeth here at the first place?!

Sometimes I felt that doing a paperless journal will take the rest of my time, but, isnt it the same as writing one of them...? It would be even worse that i'll have to do some cut and paste in my little diary. At least, i know that posting up those happenings in my life will not end up hiding in a secret place in my room. So...that's it! Start telling stories to my lappy!!

It actually took me some time to make up this final decision. I would like to merge in everything about my life here, but i kind of miss out several important moments. Somehow i feel that i am too lazy to sort them out here, that's why i started to blog only recently. It simply kills off my time too easily. You think of what to write, then you have to upload some pictures, while editing is a must. Anyhow, something tells me that it is well worth to read, share, write and think of my blog.

Back to my main objectives, one of the must-post article is my baking life. Each time i successfully bring out my masterpiece from the oven, i would surely share them with those who are nearest to me. However, most of them get to enjoy the delicious view only. They are considered lucky to taste a bite. So, dear friends, i really hope that my story-telling skill will let all of you experience what i have gone through. Be disappointed NOT!

I would love to introduce a dangerous-but-the-best-ever sports to everyone i know. The ULTIMATE FRISBEE! i would recommend anyone to join in this game. Young or old, tall or short, fit or not, you are certainly most welcome! I play everyday if i end my class early. It's a must-do thing for me in Shah Alam. I eventually adopt the idea that getting involved in any activity in the evening is a way to release my tension. Even though i doubt that i cannot handle my own stress, playing frisbee makes me a free person. A place and a time that i dont have to worry about anything at all... except that i need to be extra careful to ensure my safety.

Hmmm. there's so much more that i want to share with the world. gonna start blogging!!!!!

All About Me..wait..not all i guess..

"I thought you're a quiet girl, Q-En. Your face look so innocent and obedient. Do you know that the first day we met...." That is my first impression from others, which, most of my friends told me after they know me quite well. Well, not to say that I am totally the opposite way behind my look. It is just that I do not talk a lot when I am not close to a person. Even if I tried to talk to them, there's nothing much to talk about. I'll just have to admit that I am not a good orator.


Actually, I am quite a shy person, because I do not really like to speak out, especially singing. Something which I believe the most, is, the world will turn upside down, inside out and starts to rain cats and dogs, which will eventually lead to another scene of Noah's Ark, if I sing in public. I have no idea why I am always such a coward in this topic. Of course, I did try to bring out my courage when I really need to stand up for my opinion, for I will be lost in hopes and misery. But, after going through the thicks and thins, I think I became far more matured than before, in a sense of voicing out courageously, not as shy as before.


Here's one thing I like other people to know about me, I love baking and cooking as well. Even if I'm very busy with my things, I will never give any excuses to not to bake. I bake when I have nothing to do, I bake when I got requests from others, I bake for my passion, and I also bake to try on new recipe. I do not follow the recipe exactly, because most of the times I don't have the exact ingredient. Then I will try to do some substitution. One thing I never forget about baking, I will reduce the amount of sugar and fats stated in the recipe. I don't know why but every recipe that I tried, even I have already cut down the sugar, still they are very sweet and sugary. Sometimes, I even cut down eggs. My father is always phobia of using "his" eggs for unecessary purposes. One more that I could not deny the most is the price of an egg. It is getting costly day by day. Because of this, I need to think twice whether to bake using eggs or without it. If its nice then it is okay, and my father won't complain much. But if the outcome is rather disappointing, an egg is wasted! So, I only use eggs when I am confident with my recipe or I will choose a recipe that does not require many eggs. So far, baking cheesecake is one of my expertise. Because they are actually quite easy to bake! And, I love cheese a lot! Well, I can say that my best cheesecake is tiramisu. (mm..mm..yummy..) Right now, I am still putting my best foot forward towards chocolate chip cookies (those really crunchy and chocolatey one like the Famous Amos" ) and also donuts.



Okay, let us get even deeper. I am quite lazy, actually. But it all depends on what I am doing. If I think that it benefits me, I will work for it till the end of my fingers. I will never complain about anything as I realise the importance of something. I will also fight till the very end just to make sure that evrything turns out nice. However, sometimes I do get away from things as I do not want to stress out. I will always find ways to make my day better each day. Coming back to my laziness, most probably I will not to do what I suppose to do and procrastinate it until the next day or even the next week and so on. It is just that sometimes we do get our pleasure when we are lazy. But, I will limit myself for laziness for I knew that if I go to far beyond, I will lose everything. Consequently, I always try my best to things wisely so that I can get the best of both worlds.


Of course, there are more about myself, and this page cannot put "me" inside. Even I myself have no idea what I really am. Just like the psychologists said, " Teenagers, they are in the process of growing up to become more matured. Everyday, they are searching for they own identity. To sum a long story short, anyone who wants to know me better, deeper, all you have to do is become my friend and get along with me. It is that simple.